Wicked Moon Jokes
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Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life.
One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DeLucci of Kittery,
Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought
she had diarrhoea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realized
that it was urinary pain.
It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just
out the wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting
on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting
noise anyone has ever heard. In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci for
the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out of her vagina
a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides
of the toilet, white-knuckled. She was screaming wildly, and the
neighbors called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms.
DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing
nothing but her bath robe. Running down her leg, was a stream
of brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher,
so he grabbed her left leg which was bent crossing her other leg,
to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted up. When
he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed
her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of
a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the
floor with a wet popping sound.
Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on
the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud
shrimp and it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while
flipping itself back and forth. The horrified medic turned to
the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in. When he put his face
down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so horrific that
to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing.
The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp
flipping and splashing at a furious pace. If you think that is
bad - wait until you hear how it happened: Ms. DeLucci's death
was the result of a combination of shock and severe head trauma.
She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she
had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the
toilet and then on the floor.
It is believed by police that two nights before the accident
she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying
in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina
to derive physical pleasure.
At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face
causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The
medics found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned
on a table in front of the tub.
The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in
a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster
along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the
lobsters' tail joints. The lobster's face was lightly burned with
the same fuel used in lighters.
The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full
of mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had
eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are
usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped
them out into Ms. DeLucci's vagina when she was torturing it.
Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci
was only four days away from getting her period. Doctors believe
that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect
PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger version
of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US. Overnight
the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size
every ten minutes!!!
You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning
and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.....
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose
levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand
and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose,
as in sugar in semen?"
"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical
info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it
taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing,
the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly
what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked
up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never
returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply
was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question,
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are
on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering
my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,
it's up to you!"
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge
said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy?" Mickey
replied, "No, I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy!"
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked step mother
won't let her. As she sits crying in the garden her fairy Godmother
appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she
needs to go to the ball, but with 2 conditions: "First, you must
wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the 2nd condition?"
"You must be home by 2am. Any later and your diaphragm will turn
into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2am. The appointed
hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally,
at 5am, Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and satisfied.
"Where have you been?" Demanded her Godmother. "Your diaphragm
was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met
a prince, Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no
prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember,
exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...."
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran
up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, hiked up her dress
and then sat on his face screaming, "LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME!!!"
Once there were three guys and a prostitute. The first guy went
to her and sucked her nipples and chocolate milk came out. He
was excited and told the second guy about her. The second guy
did the same thing and the same thing happened, chocolate milk
came out. So the second guy went and told the third guy chocolate
milk came out of this prostitutes tits, so the third guy went
to her and asked "Does chocolate milk really come out of your
tits?" The girl said "No it's breast cancer."
Limericks
There was a young lady from Leith
Who would circumcise men with her teeth
It wasn't for fame
Or love of the game
But to get at the cheese underneath.
There was a young actress from Crewe,
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew,
The Bishop was quicker
and thicker and slicker,
and two inches longer than you.
There was a young vampire called Mabel,
whose periods were always quite stable,
at every full moon
she took out a spoon,
and drank herself under the table.
There was a young plumber from Lee,
who was plumbing his girl with great glee,
she said stop your plumbing,
I think someone's coming,
said the plumber still plumbing "its me"!
There was a young man from Pitlocherie,
making love to his girl in the rockery,
she said look you've cum,
all over my bum,
This isn't a shag it's a mockery.
A kinky young girl from Coleshill,
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill,
They found her vagina,
in North Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Brazil.
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had
a date nor any sex in quite some time. Afraid she might have something
wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of
a sex therapist.
Her personal physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese
sex therapist, so she went and saw him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Wang took one look at
her and said, "OK, take off aw your crows."
She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.
"Now," said Wang, "get down on knees and craw reery, reery,
fass away from me to udder side of room."
Having done that Dr. Wang said, "OK, now turn round and craw
reery, reery fass to me."
Once again she obliged.
Dr. Wang slowly shook his head, "OK, your probrem vaywe, vaywe
bad, you have Ed Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see.....
that why you not have dates, that why you not have sex."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Wang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your butt."
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods. The big
bad wolf jumps out from behind a tree and says, "Little Red Riding
Hood, I'm going to fuck you!"
Little Red Riding Hood pulls a 38 out of her basket, points it
at him and says, "Bullshit, you're gonna eat me like the book
says!"
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